Home Sweet Home

Today I went out for coffee for the first time since I have been here.  Not that I am a big go-out-for-coffee kind of person, but it was really nice and really normalizing.  I chat so much with people as I walk to and from school, or while waiting on the play yard or even at the park.  So it was really nice to have coffee with another Canadian mom who is also going through a similar experience. 

I won’t call what I am feeling right now homesickness.  I am not teary, not stymied, life is still marching on, and things are basically good and optimistic.  But I do notice when the time of day comes that someone in my family is finally awake.  Or when the world in Canada is finally up and posting on Facebook.  And even Noah will ask me several times each week if his friends are eating breakfast while we are eating lunch, or if they still have school on Wednesdays, even if we do not. 

I find myself curious about the events that I would normally take part in… the school events, my book club, goings-on at the public library.  I think about the seasons of the year as I experience them in Canada.  The raking of leaf piles, the running of the salmon, the need for a warmer hat. 

There are seasons here, too.  The chestnut tree has dropped all of  its leaves, the weather has gotten “fresh” and boots are out in full swing around here. 

Don’t get me wrong, I really still am glad to be here.  But as we slow down a bit on the road trips, and as I start to realize just how far I still have to go before I feel like I can “speak” French, I wax nostalgic over the ease of my life in Canada.  My mom points out the ease of life on a sabbatical, where our toughest immediate decision is where to spend our Christmas holiday.  And I will agree that there is a lot of freedom when you know that you are only in a place for a year.  It is a lot easier to leave behind some off the daily grind and just pick up and go.  There are fewer commitments, fewer obligations.  Yet I can walk into any store and explain any help I need in Canada without feeling like I just asked the salesclerk if I could please have some green horns to help me sweep my kitchen.  And I can send my kids out to play in a park, even on the grass. 

The winds are blowing strong today, and I think it brings my moods along with them.  I find myself laughing out loud at the honking horns on the street signaling a wedding, and then wanting to cry over the ups and downs of kids cooped up indoors.  Wanting to dress up in a skirt and boots, yet wanting to cozy up in my yoga pants with a good book.  And I even realized today that there is no fireplace here.  Maybe I can claim that Pere Noel has different ways of entering households than Santa? 

When I get tempestuous like this it also makes me wonder how my kids are handling all of this.  At least I have the language skills to explain how I feel, and the life experiences to help me sort through my feelings with a certain understanding.  Yes, each boy has had their moments of challenge.  We’ve dealt with challenges over the schoolwork, challenges over the long days, challenges over expressing oneself in French ALL the time.  My father-in-law seems to think that we’ve offered the boys a strong steady constant of family and that that has helped everyone transition into our life here.  And really, that is what I keep coming back to when I feel off… the caring for our family, the caring for our home.  And all else seems to follow after that.